Composure [#091224]

09/12/24

I've had one of those mornings where everything that has happened feels as though it's been specifically chosen to test me - I guess it's true that they are really tests. Am I capable of completing this task without skimming my computer at a wall? Yes. Am I capable of keeping my composure when inanimate objects seem to have it out for me? Yes, mostly.

I guess if I had lobbed my computer at the wall earlier I would've failed the test. In a very real sense, it would've destroyed my computer, leaving me without one and needing to spunk a few hundred quid to buy another. And on a deeper, spiritual level it would have sucked because I would've proved to the universe that I was incapable of dealing with something of that nature without losing my shit. So as a small victory it was; my computer remains intact. And hopefully I've levelled myself up a little bit, like a toddler. Hopefully I've proved myself, in a sense, as someone who doesn't throw things against the wall like a toddler. Hopefully I've levelled up a little bit.

Aside from the urge to destroy, I was also challenged by the task at hand itself - building furniture on an architectural design program. It's hard. Frustrating, mostly because I like to be able to do things straight away but that's not how it works. So there, I feel, is the real lesson. Sticking at things until you get them. Avoiding the many distractions that seem so alluring in my house: cleaning the stove, tidying my room, unclogging the drain outside near the back gate.

I did end up unclogging the drain; it made me feel good and useful to do so, but I should've been building furniture so I'm counting it as a semi-victory. I made a coffee table and a three-seater couch this morning anyway so I'm counting it as a semi-victory.

Now, to celebrate, I have come to the studio to continue painting.